It is finally spring, but somehow I am still in a winter mood. I go outside and I get surprised by the sun burning my skin, although I don't feel ready to let my legs feel the wind that still bothers me. I'm from a place where is always summer, so I used to think that I enjoy the cold weather.
Day by day, however, I try to readapt myself for the new and beautiful weather. The silver lining of winter consists on being able to live the other seasons with an intensity as if they were only temporary, and I know that is true. Sooner, it will be winter again. I am happy because it is spring, but deep down I feel sad because one day it will be winter again. And I am not ready.
I know that is not healthy to think like this... I perfectly know that. I know I must enjoy this season, and that's what I'm doing, or trying to do. I just fear what is coming, but I know even winter will pass, too.
Sometimes I feel suffocated because I am stuck in this weather cycle, just like I am stuck in the week cycle, or college cycle, or any other cycle. It is weird because I can see it all as I don't belong it, but I understand that feeling like I do not belong to anything is also a cycle. I am pretty much human, I am pretty much alive, and sooner or later… I will be pretty much dead, too. I am so rational that I walk side by side with craziness. Nevertheless, I don't think about death at all. It is just one more cycle that I am aware of. On the other hand, I am quite obsessed with hellos and goodbyes. I hate to get to know someone and have to let them go, for any reason. But I also love it, because they all become me. I become the people I've met, their favorite food I had the chance to try, their accent, their habits. I become so sensitive to them that I can feel when they are sad, or happy. I can smile with them, and cry with them. They also absorb me, somehow, and for that reason I need to try to be clear about how important they are to me, so they can have me forever in their hearts just like I will have them forever in mine. This is not easy to attain, though. I do not connect simply. I tend to ignore superficial relationships because I don't like to smile when I don't want to. I love spring more than I love summer because summer reminds me that winter is coming. I know that this is not fair, but I will remember you based on how you have made me feel. However, I don't have a good memory, and I am truly sorry for that. I wish I could remember everything I have ever lived, even those moments when I was really sad. At least I would see that I am no longer sad, or that I've been sadder, or that I am much more happy now, or that whatever I felt is now in the past and it just made me stronger. Sometimes, I try to force my mind to remember what is behind my own wall inside my head, but my tendency is to react about what is going on now. You fucked up with me, I can't believe it. You love me, I love you, too.
But, hey… If I am like this, how can I still be attached to the winter when it is already springtime?
I guess I know the answer. I am never ready to say goodbye, ever.
What is gone, is gone, stupid. Let it go.
I am ocean and land, water and sand. It should be easier to let go something that hurt me, shouldn't it? However, how could I realize that the best season of me is going away, and not be sad about it?
When I said goodbye to you, you looked at my eyes and cried. At that moment, I didn't see your lies, your life behind, nor the love I have for another guy. It was just you and me, and we were kissing, hugging, and feeling each other for the last time. Your eyes had the color of a beautiful sky, and I will never forget that deep and vivid blue, filled with tears: a reminder of those moments that we had together, and we won't have anymore. Tears for a life that we can no longer share. I touched you for the last time, and I messed up with your hair just like I used to do, but in silence. I knew I wouldn't have anything to say, and I knew I couldn't say anything even if tried. I am going away, probably forever, but I will never forget you. I hate leaving you behind, but I'm glad I met you. You're part of who I am now, and for that I'm really thankful.
I feel weird, happy, and sad at the same time. But I gotta say goodbye, for real, winter. It is spring, and I'm going back home.
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